My Boyfriend Has PTSD and is Cold and Distant

A very common complaint among those who love someone who has PTSD is that they can turn from warm and loving to cold and distant very quickly. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone say, “My boyfriend has PTSD and has pushed me away.”  How do you deal with loving someone who seemingly wants nothing to do with you a lot of the time? How do you keep yourself sane?

Many PTSD relationships do not survive for a variety of reasons. Communication is always essential in any type of relationship, but when one partner has post traumatic stress there is additional pressure on the relationship. One party may not be willing or able to communicate his or her needs when symptoms arise. They naturally withdraw and can become verbally abusive and distant.  It is not uncommon for someone who is suffering through PTSD symptoms to behave irrationally and leave for a few days. It is also normal to completely shut out family, relationships, and the people who are trying to help them.

Cold and distant is a normal response for someone who has post traumatic stress. Often, this disorder robs the sufferer of all emotion, except for anger, sadness, and numbness. There is very little that you can do to help your loved one when this symptom arises. To not respect their wishes to be alone and isolated will result in conflict, which just makes everything worse. Of course you don’t just want to leave the person that you love alone, especially when they are suffering. That seems like the opposite of love. Sadly, at times, you don’t have a choice. Someone who is withdrawing will only run faster and harder away from you if you pursue them.

So, what do you do when this symptom arises? You go and do things that YOU want to do. You take a break. If this is not your first go around, you know that the request or demand to be alone comes frequently from those who have PTSD and can vary in duration. Sometimes they distance themselves for an afternoon and sometimes it can be days before you hear from your loved one. With PTSD, there is no rhyme or reason, but there are patterns.

You have to take care of yourself first. If you are being pushed away, go. Make a list of all of the things that you enjoy doing and when this symptom arises, go and do the things on your list. Set aside a little cash for this time, so that you can go and enjoy yourself. Plan for your time alone and do the things that you like to do.  This symptom will arise. It’s inevitable. It’s just a part of the disorder.

If you are being pushed away, take a little time for yourself. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love and care for that person nor does it mean that they no longer love and care for you. Don’t fall into the trap of guilt. There is nothing that you can do to help someone who wants space and distance. So, go help yourself. When you take care of yourself first, it shifts your perspective. It gives you some mental clarity and allows you to come back more refreshed and able to deal with the pressure of loving someone who has PTSD.